The 5 LB Frenzy

A love letter to self:

Dear Denise,

It's been nearly 32 years that you have thought about your weight. Food, calories, exercise. You know, the typical girl stuff. For twenty of those years you counted calories daily. Qualifying what was okay, when you overate and when you just felt like complete shit.

So here you are in your 48th year. Last year was the cosmic joke of all cosmic jokes for you. You were sick with a digestive disorder and dropped to 102 pounds on your 5'5 frame. Everyone asked what was wrong with you. You couldn't keep anything down as the bathroom became your new best friend. It was a debilitating and humbling time for you. Although as you always do, you looked at what was really going on to cause this in the first place. Bravo! You nipped it in the bud and today you weigh a muscular and healthy 112. You feel stronger than you have in a very, very long time...

So your skimpier clothes are a bit tighter. Your jeans are no longer falling off your hips. But let's celebrate! You have pretty much healed an autoimmune, digestive illness that doctors say is chronic. Well done. You are finally able to eat fruits and vegetables to your hearts delight and even peanut butter. Is it better to suffer and disappear?

You always speak about five pounds. To your clients, to your self. Why not just make it okay where you are? Deprivation is not good for the SOUL!!! Are you not tired of playing the same tape in your head? Let it go! It just has a distractive quality to it which keeps you from really focusing on what you deepest dreams and desires are. And you know what they are...Don't you think it is truly time to just let it go? Embrace you. All of it. And 112 is pretty f**kin thin anyways...

REPEAT: I am healthy. I am whole. I am full and complete just as I am. I am loved, I am GODDESS, I am divinity in action. And so it is certainly so.

With Love, Your Higher Self

The Erroneous Burger

There are different kinds of burgers. Veggie burgers, turkey burgers and of course the classic "the hamburger". Yesterday was monumental; for me anyway. I normally never eat meat. Unless I am in a severe iron deficiency mode or something deliciously unexpected suddenly appears. The last time I can recall having done so was nearly two years ago. My folks where in town and I was "guided" to take my mom to Shake Shack (mom loves her hammies) which is right around the corner from where I live. Since the meet there is grass-fed, I say why not.

In any event, that was until yesterday. It was a lovely pre-summer like evening. Seventy-nine degrees and sleeveless; people dressed in cool clothes, looking really cute, me included.:) I made my way down to the Pier at Riverside and West 70th at around 7pm to meet a friend and to catch the setting sun. I was beyond ravenous! All I ate all day was veggies and a protein bar. I needed something hot and satisfying. So I opted for the veggie burger, sans fries plus extra greens. For the last few weeks, I have been keeping vegetarian (not vegan) with a one day lapse for some shrimps for extra protein. My usually repetoire includes various fish,turkey and chicken. That's all. So the only thing that was appealing was a veggie burger. Okay, veggie burger it was. For my friend it twas a light beer and a cous cous salad.

So after placing our order, I walk back to the table with my soon to be vibrating buzzer in hand. Soon enough, it begins to vibrant and I eagerly make my way up to the counter to retrieve the food. As I was given our plates. I look down and see what appeared to be my "burger" and a side of fries, no greens. So I tell the guy at the counter and he says, "This is the order you placed. No greens." I said otherwise, obviously. So the fries were removed and color restored to my plastic plate.

Making my way back to the table, I was so looking forward to exploring what could possibly be prepared for me. I was ravenous as I stated. I ate a few bites voraciously as my friend says to me, "That looks like a hamburger?" At first I didn't even take notice since I was starving but soon enough realized that it was. I pause and say "Oh well. I guess it is. I take another pause and continue chowing down.And mind you, I sure this was not top quality meat I would consciously ever put in my body.

Perhaps it is my continued practice of yoga, and letting go of attachments that made me okay with this. Really okay. For those that know me really well, I am, have been very "particular" in my eating habits. So this is a big score for me. No guilt. It was what it was. A burger that my body, SOUL obviously was desiring on a much deeper level.So I went with its flow...

So beloved ones, whatever may be transpiring, be in the moment. Accept what is directly in front of you. Take a breath and pause if necessary. With a knowing that nothing is truly life shattering, especially the occasional greasy burger... Happy eating and whatever else comes your way unexpectedly.


Much Love, Denise